Rocky Gap Camping May 2022

Rocky Gap State Park camp trip was really great. Beautiful lake, peaceful trails, and, if you wanted, a casino across the water. Rocky Gap State Park in Maryland was worth the cost and drive.

Spent 3 nights there over the weekend before Memorial Day. Even though it had some noisy neighbors who were on their work weekend, we got in one last day of quiet.

Costs – Campsite: ~$25 per night; Food, supplies, and gas: ~$250 for 3 nights; Total: ~$325

So this trip was postponed a week because they had to fix the road leading to the campground. We got a refund and then reserved a site for the next week, not the site we wanted but a site nonetheless.

We arrived at 3pm on a Friday after a 2 hour drive, stopping in the town of Berkeley Springs, WV. We had coffee, looked in a gift shop and art shop, and saw the hot spring bath all right next to each other. We saw the “George Washington’s Bath” which was a rectangular hole carved into the stone filled with water the size of a bathtub. There were other pools filled with water as well.

We also went through a gap in the mountain, where we stopped at the rest stop right near the top of the mountain.

When we got to the campground it was busy with people checking in. We got to our campground, nearly running over a big tent stake ready to puncture our tire. We set up the tent and then went on a hike. We ate food and had a good time that evening. However the night was filled with children screaming like crazy until very late.

During this whole trip I got very little sleep.

The rest of the trip on Saturday and Sunday was filled with walks on the trails, eating snacks and soups, drinking instant coffee, and relaxing by the fire.

While on this trip I thought about what I could do when I get back home. I talked with my partner about how she should really go for her art career and I thought about doing something with writing (hence leading to this blog).

There was a concert playing across the water and got to sit and hear music for a while on Saturday evening I believe it was. My partner had apparently stepped on a bee in her shoe while we went on a hike! It didn’t sting her fortunately but let that be a lesson to check your shoes while camping, it’s still nature after all. On our way back We were afraid of having a flat tire but it was a false alarm. So many other close calls on this trip, nothing bad about the site, just random happenings. One was me almost burning my hand handling one of our cheaper pots for boiling water, it didn’t have good insulation on the handle, even with me holding it with a cloth.

It was beautiful and relaxing during most of the trip, besides late nights and our tarp giving problems so many times. It was our first time with that tarp so that was an experience right there.

I would highly recommend Rocky Gap State Park camping in Maryland when you can.

Cost Review: Cheap for the site, but have to or should bring your own food. They have some supplies there though at the camp store. Firewood there feels too pricey for the quality wood you get.

Bucket List Review: Not super important, but enjoyable. Definitely a good getaway.

I Had Forgotten to Like Things

So a few days ago I had gone a long monologue talking to my partner. During the end of it I realized that I should be liking things.

1. I am doing fine with my disability

I realized that I am doing fine with my disability. I have totally changed up my finances. So much so that my partner was confident in quitting her cleaning business to work on her art career. I am really touched that she said that. Her back was going bad with that business and I have wanted her to focus on her art for many years now. I am glad that I gave her the freedom to do this.

I have been doing fine enough with my disability. I might not be a high-earner, but I can at least keep a stable job and put in effort into my life. It’s not that I am lazy, I just have a past of learned hopelessness and burnout. I am now changing all that. I work a tutoring job and gives me the most income, though not alot. I also make a little coffee money off my books on their total annual sales.

I am also stock trading and investing, so at least I am working on building my assets and giving myself the possibility of making a bunch of money.

2. If I don’t appreciate things in my poor life, I will always be fearful

I realized that I need to focus on the positives that are going on in my life right now. But that has been really hard the past few years. I tend to focus mostly on where things are going wrong. I want things to be better and I imagine a future where I have more income and a place to live of my own, instead of living with my parents. I have hopes that stocks work out or something turns out good in the future. I am trying to work on things to make that happen.

So I think that if or when I become wealthy that if I don’t enjoy anything about being poor I will be forever afraid while rich that I cannot return to this place. I will be in constant fear of losing it all and coming back to this state. Of course I would not like to waste all the effort that I would have put in to get to that point, but I need to have thought that I have lived a good life.

If I constantly think that I have been living a bad life it will be a wasted life. I need to find things to appreciate in this moment of my life before its too late.

3. A step that is working: Beginning to Like things

So I have had a hard time with “gratitude” and “appreciation” because I don’t know what those “feel” like. They tend to be bigger concepts that I have never directly felt. I have always guessed that it is something you just do. You just be grateful, or something, I haven’t known before.

Well now I am trying out something different. Instead, I am taking notice of things I like in my life right now. I know what it feels like to like something and to love someone. I can begin to let myself like things. I can list off things that I like, parts of my life that I like, and things that I don’t like and would like to change. So there are definetely plenty of things that I like right now in my life.

For just one example of something I like is my computer that I am writing this post with. I can do so much with it and it has helped me so much in life. I really like it.

This act of liking things and noticing things that I like has really boosted my mood since I started. Much less depressed feelings and instead I try to notice what I like.

So that is it for now. I hope you have a great day.

I Haven’t Liked Hard Work, and This might be Why

So I have been having a hard time in my life with hard work. I have recently been trying to find the “laziest” ways to make an income. I have tried to find low-effort passive income ideas. I have also had an experience of gambling and desperation for money.

Well I found out recently that I have been getting the wrong complements and telling myself the wrong things since I was a child. Apparently telling someone that they are smart or talented leads to negative side effects. If you tell someone the are smart, they only stick to easy tasks, stick with those tasks for short periods of time, and are generally not having fun the tasks or life.

Now the comparison is with people that are told that they are hard workers, and that life is within their control. Those people work on more challenging tasks, stick with those tasks longer, and enjoy those tasks more. The only difference is whether they tell themselves whether life is in their control or not.

I have been told my whole life that I am smart, gifted, talented, and intelligent. That I can figure out anything because I am smart. I now am being told that I have been receiving the wrong complements.

No wonder that I have been so “lazy”, disinterested in life, and give up easily. I have told myself I am too smart for dumb labor. That I should be taking easy more, that I kind of “deserve” a easy life and that my smarts should be leading me to success.

Well bummer is that I am not successful. I am nowhere near the success level that I would enjoy having. I have been bumming around for 6+ years and really nothing to show materially for it. I have taken the lazy path and wondered the whole way why I am not successful.

I need to put in the effort now. I need to be a hard worker. My life is in my hands. My current situation has been due to the amount of effort I have placed in my life. Me learning things is important, but without implementation and effort, I go nowhere.

I have more money now than I ever have been due to my effort to saving and investing money. I have been putting alot of effort into trading stocks, though I still have not seen success with that yet, but hopefully someday it pays off.

I have shied away from manual labor, from boring tasks, and difficult tasks. I have always seemingly tried to take the easy way out. I have blamed unluckiness and even “the system” at times for my misfortune. Instead I need to now realize that I won’t go anywhere in life unless I work for it. If I can be knowledgeable and skilled, then be able to be a hard worker, I can succeed.

So from now on I need to complement myself on being a hard worker and reward myself for hard work. Not rewarding myself for being me, or completing myself for how smart I am, and not blaming things outside my control for my lack of success. I need to now think about my future as within my control, that my life is in my control. How I act and think is up to me. The results I have gotten have been due to my effort, or lack of it.

So I will now be thinking this way, hopefully it works out for the better.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a good day.

Fun leads to Success? A Theory from a Date Night

My partner and I were sitting down and having a “date night” at home. We have been doing that for the past two weekends. I really enjoy it because we get to know each other more and we can have fun. We have just sat and answered questions and played word games, learning about each other.

Well two nights ago my partner and I came across the question of what was the most ambitious thing we had tried so far in our lives. Her and I said that it was when we tried to start a LARP kingdom. We were planning a huge project which involved buying a large chunk of land and building some medieval-style buildings on it. It was going to be a LARP theme resort. We planned out a whole bunch for it.

We had gone and traveled around the area and toured places we could have the “kingdom” at. We planned what the LARP rules were going to be, the lore as well.

Then the time that it all hinged on, asking for 1 million dollars on a startup funding site, Kickstarter. We were let down. We got one donation in the two weeks we kept it up. We didn’t do enough marketing of the idea before we got it up. That was one mistake.

Even though we had failed in the Kickstarter, we had a ton of fun. We got to see interesting places, talk to interesting people. We met cool people along the way. Some of those people are still our friends to this day and we hang out and do LARP together still.

We had a ton of fun, we were ambitious, and we were willing to do some hard work. We came to the realization there that maybe fun is the key to success, to a fruitful life.

My partner and I discussed how desperate people are often poor or become poor soon. And fun-loving people are rich or up-and-coming rich people. I have gone to the casino and played blackjack just to have fun, and I always left with more money than I came in with. I go in desperate or greedy, and I walk out with less money than I came in with. Strange how that works.

This year I have had fun with finances. I have had fun budgeting, saving, and investing. Now I have more control of my money than I have had my entire life. I have more money than I have ever had as well. I am astonished at how well I have done. I did it all by just having fun and willing to do the work to make it happen, which was better possible since I was having fun with it. It was easier to work hard when I was having fun.

So we thought, maybe success comes to those who are having fun. If you have fun with doing something, you are much more likely to be successful. Whether that is wealth or a happy life, fun can most likely achieve those things. It is not about getting away from discomfort. No, you have to actively seek fun things to do.

My partner and I think of reality as a kind of game. A grand game with us all as players in it. This thought kind of brought about that idea again to us. Maybe the point of the game is to have fun. If you have fun then you are playing the game right.

So I have been thinking on that for the past few days. I have been wondering where I can have more fun in my life. What are some things I can gamify or just play with. It would help if I was ambitious. I am not afraid of working hard, as long as it isn’t too stressful or mind-rotting. I think that I will continue to look into this. Maybe this will get you thinking as well.

Theory: Desperation leads to Poverty. Fun leads to Riches. That is a Magic to this World.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.

Turkey Day

Today is Thanksgiving and I am partially thinking about what I have gone through at this time of year in my past. This year seems better so far, but it is not without its stresses, even if they are minor.

I have always had a hard time with Thanksgiving. I don’t exactly know why though. Maybe its the days getting shorter and the change in weather. Maybe its the people all coming down and being in groups of people. Maybe its all the commotion going on in the kitchen on the days leading up to Thanksgiving.

I have had hard times around Thanksgiving to Christmas time in my past. I have been in the hospital a few times around this time of year.

I was in a car accident many years ago. My car flipped and I had to go to the hospital for my mental problems. That was years ago and I still have it go through my mind. I still drive past the same spot on the frequent and I remember it nearly every time. I find the whole memory very bad and I wish that I could move on with my life.

I get anxious around the holidays. I often wish that holidays didn’t have to be such a big deal. I wish that I could just spend them with my immediate family, like my sister and parents and partner, and not with my extended family. I would like to have things cozy and calm, but instead they are energetic and busy. I get so overwhelmed by it all.

There is also something about Thanksgiving that brings out so much stress in me and others. I find that so many problems arise around this time of year. So many things have to happen that are bad around this time.

Yesterday I was having a hard conversation with my partner about what she was going to do with her life. We talked and I was getting so stressed out. I kept saying in my head “why now?” “why does this have to happen now, when I am already stressed out about other things.”

Well the good news is that my partner and I figured out what she wants to do with her life. She is going to do what she can’t imagine anything but in her life. She will be working on her art career. She just can’t see herself doing anything else, and all the skills that she built up if she were to quit would be wasted. She has not built up skills in much else, primarily just art.

The conversation was hard and I didn’t want to do it, but we got through it together and she felt better afterwards. I felt better afterwards.

So it also got me thinking about my stock trading. I have not made a profit with it, but I can’t imagine just quitting doing stocks. It is just what I do now. I built up so many skills for this and I don’t want to waste them by quitting this. There is so much opportunity for it.

My other whimsical projects however, I am not sure. I think that those are things that can entertain me for some time and give me a challenge. I can’t see myself not doing something that I am interested in. I like to be interested in something at some point in my day or week. I have to have something interesting in my life.

So part of Thanksgiving is also to give thanks. It is not supposed to be everyone getting stressed (which I find is what it really turns into). Instead we should be grateful for things. I don’t often think about Thanksgiving that way, even if its in the name. I find that it is more a time of family and food.

So I am thankful for having a family, a loving partner, and a somewhat healthy body. I am thankful that everyone I care about is safe right now. I am thankful that we can visit each other even in these trying times with the pandemic going on.

So I hope that nothing else major happens in the next few days, and this whole Thanksgiving-induced stress period goes away and I can move on with my life to my calm life without stress.

I think that I might even do a prayer for a easing of stress in these times. Maybe that will help a little. Maybe I can do my thanks to the spirits as well.

Thank you for reading I hope you have a great day.

Been Having a Decent Day

Today has been a day where very little has gone wrong. Yesterday was similar. I feel like there isn’t anything going wrong today. I am not having any anxiety, my partner is getting fully healed, and I have been doing decent with stocks. My stocks are down for today, but they have had a good week so far. Not much is going wrong.

I wonder if maybe me praying has anything to do with it. Maybe I am just having a lull in my problems, and surely more will come soon. Maybe I am just appreciating things a little more today that I default to.

I have sat outside today and have been reading, or rather listening, to some books. I did my stock trading this morning, and I have hung out with my partner nearly all day.

The only thing that I could consider to be wrong today is that I ran out of interesting things to do for a little while. That is why I am writing this blog post, to keep my interest going. I don’t want to be bored. I also would like to do something that might help me in the long term, so here I write.

I have also written some story ideas for a book that I might write. The ideas I brainstormed may be stupid later, but at least I brainstormed and I might get some better ideas from them later.

I find that I am having a hard time the past few years writing fiction. I find its a lack of confidence, but maybe its something else. Maybe I just haven’t had a message to tell for some time. Maybe I am just not interested in some things to write what I would like to write. I will probably have to figure that out over time, but today I brainstormed and felt a little better about a story idea.

So I have been wondering about me praying. I think that maybe it is having an effect on my life. I haven’t prayed very much since I started keeping track of my moods. What data I do have says that I have a positive day the next day, though right now it has a low confidence, but it is having low confidence on all the time frames around praying.

I find that after I pray and make a sacrifice to the gods, that I feel as though the gods are with me. When I have a hard time with anything, even the slightest thing, I feel that the gods are with me. I think about how they give me strength, and that I can work through my problems with their aid. I feel close to the gods and they can work with me on dealing with life.

So I have been praying for a little bit and already noticing some improvement. I find that my days have been a little better. The struggles are a little easier to bare. I find that I can be grateful for today since the gods helped provide today and I was able to work through my problems.

I would like to thank the gods for helping me through figuring out myself. That when I prayed for their help that they may have answered. My prayers to the god of intellect and wisdom may have worked. My skeptic side of my brain says that it didn’t do anything, but I also feel like having that little push from the prayer got me through things.

I am now having a good day. The weather is nice, though a little cold. I have spent time with my partner. I have also been able to successfully go through with stock trading. Though I don’t think that the gods provided me with a favorable stock market, the actions that I took might have been helped through the gods’ aid. Not entirely sure.

When I was in a full time job last, I would often pray to the gods. I found that life was a lot easier when I did that. It wasn’t until I stopped praying on the regular that life became too tough for me and I had eventually quit. Maybe there is something to prayer and mental strength. Maybe I can push through hardship, both mental and physical, through spirituality.

I wonder what else I can do if I were to just push through with it. Continuing this blog is one thing that I am pushing through. Even as I write I feel as though that the gods are helping me in a hard time of being disinterested in things.

I have been helping a little more around the house as well. I feel like I can now take sacrifices as long as I get a little interested in something. I also feel as though the gods are with me as I do something hard, like the chores. I wonder if I can do more as well, or if I can keep the pace or improve on it.

So I think that maybe I will continue to pray and engage in my spirituality more and see if I get a better mood over time. Maybe it can help replace the lack of walks that my partner and I are taking. The walks helped quite a bit with the mood, but it didn’t help with baring hardship. I think that spirituality can help with my hardships.

Hopefully I can continue to have some more decent days. Thanksgiving is coming up and I think that I will be going to my grandma’s, my sister is coming down to visit, and hopefully everyone stays healthy and safe.

I am technically on vacation now and I only have one more week of tutoring before I go on winter break. I won’t be getting any paychecks for some time so I will have to be a little bit more secure with my money.

Oh, and my partner was able to pay nothing out of pocket for her hospitalization. Her medicaid was able to cover everything. We are so happy for that to happen. She was able to get help and it didn’t destroy her financially. It is amazing.

I will see where tomorrow goes. Hopefully it goes well also.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.

What Must You Always Do?

I was thinking for the past few days about personalities. I usually look to something like the MBTI and go for those descriptions. I usually type as a INTJ on those. That is what I type as, but I hardly ever totally fit the description.

So I was watching a movie, “The Man of the Year” with Robin Williams to be exact, the other day. I recognized that one of the main characters had a distinct personality. The character, she always had to be right. I saw that in the character and thought that was who she was. She ALWAYS had to be right.

So I sat there for a day pondering about what I ALWAYS had to do. I then realized something about myself. I always had to be interested in something. I always had to be interested. That was amazing to me in ways I will try to describe.

I am someone that types as an INTJ, but I do am not exactly what that type is. I can be extroverted at times, I have gone to bars and restaurants and talked to many people. I have gone to big dances and felt great afterwards. If I know that about myself, I don’t seem very introverted at times. I also don’t agree with much of the other things in the type.

So I used to be all into the MBTI, I would study it and hold it as near-absolute truth about personalities. But it didn’t quite explain me too much as I sat for the past week thinking about myself. I didn’t know who I was, and just saying that I’m introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judging, didn’t quite sit well with me. I wanted to know what my drive was, what my passion was.

Figuring out that all I wanted in life was to be interested in things explained so much about myself. Even this blog is to keep my interest. I am easily bored and I want to chase the next shiny thing all the time. I want to be 100% into something that interests me, or find a balance of devotion to interests.

The thing that I think about is that I can have my personality no matter what time period it is or what exactly I have grown up with. I could be interested in anything, it doesn’t really matter what. As long as my interest is kept, I am a happy person. I can go out and talk to interesting people and be energized. I can sit all day and read an interesting book and be energized. I cannot sit an idle gossip about boring things in a group setting. I am not happy sitting inside reading a book that I find boring.

Now my partner we discovered that she must always be accomplishing something. She must end the day having accomplished something. Whether that be a to-do list item or making progress on a goal, that is what makes her happy. She does not really care about being interested in things, she care about accomplishments. I didn’t find her completely fitting the ENFJ that her MBTI types her as, so this explains alot.

My partner could spend the whole day alone as long as she got something done. She could be out partying or in a group setting as long as it was moving toward a goal. That makes way more sense to me than that she was to be a people appeaser.

So I was thinking, what are the other personality types according to a person’s always? I am probably going to do some research on the topic and come up with my own theory. A theory based on what people always have to do.

So I wonder what you always have to do, you and others. It made me feel different.

I feel different because now I can say that I just want to do something interesting that day. I am more willing to make sacrifices now because I know that. I will do the dishes more because I know that my partner is also sacrificing her always to accomplish with doing a boring chore. I am willing to spend some time not being interested because I know that as long as I do something interesting any time that day, I will be happy.

So I am now planning out my days and life based on who I am inside, and what my drive is. If I can be interested, I will be happy. It doesn’t matter what it is, I will be happy the same either way. The more interested I am, the happier I will be.

My partner will be happier when she accomplishes things. I can help her with that as well. I can now understand what is her drive as well.

So maybe you can think of that for yourself. Maybe it will change the way you feel about what you should do, or what sacrifices you can make as long as you do your always.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.

I Don’t Really Know Who I Am

I was thinking yesterday about that I don’t know where I am going. I have felt like I have been wasting time in that moment yesterday. I was pretty down feeling. So I contemplated why I felt that way.

I made the analogy to my partner that it feels like there is not much nutrition in my life, that I have mostly been eating “junk food” for the spirit. Little trappings and distractions from my real problem, I don’t know why I doing any of this.

My partner today said that knowing yourself is overrated, but I feel like it is not really. I am wondering that because I don’t know who I am, that I don’t know where I am going. There is nothing to say, “this is where I want to go”. I find that I don’t have a clear direction because I don’t know where I am at now.

I realized it is kind of like control theory. You need to understand where the system is now in order to control it. If you don’t have all the information, you can’t make any correct or good decisions. I have not thought about where I am as a person, so I can’t control my “destiny”.

So I am trying to think about who I am. I am trying to figure out my values, my personality, my beliefs, and my opinions. I am trying to figure out things about myself. What I like and dislike. From there I might be able to tell where I would like to go from there.

If this blogging style of a pseudo-journal takes off for me through the interaction of readers like you, I will have made an achievement. I have wanted to express my thoughts, but never had the courage. I didn’t look at who I am, and I didn’t have the courage because I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t know myself well enough to take the leap.

So today I have been journaling. I have made a personal wiki on my computer and started jotting down who I am. I will probably be going through my diary / journal and see what kind of patterns I find. I might turn out to be a little sad in the face of it, but I am looking for the values and the features of who I am as a person. What I have taken interest in and find that the real drive was. That will probably be the long journey of finding out who I am.

The journey of finding who I am will be difficult, as I have not built up that part of my brain much. My brain wants to think of projects and interesting topics to explore, not really self-reflection. My brain will quickly drift away from self-realization and instead onto a shiny idea. So that is where I will be working on myself, to build that muscle of self-reflection. I don’t want to lose my ability ponder on ideas, I just want to boost a certain skill a bit, the self-reflection skill.

I had written a post a few days ago about self-compassion, and that might have led me to start thinking about who I am. I started to think about how to be my own friend, and I realized that I don’t know who I am. I feel like I am wasting my life, and then I had to be nice to myself and say that maybe I don’t really know who I am or why I feel like that. Maybe I have been drifting through life too much without doing things that are deeply meaningful to me as a person.

Even if I continue to do the same things as I have done in the past, I want to do them with more meaning. I want to do things that I don’t feel like I have wasted my time. It feels as though I waste time when I don’t appreciate it, my mindset is on that I have not done something meaningful to me. I don’t know what is meaningful to me, so I don’t feel like anything is meaningful in a sense.

So I will continue on my journey of self-exploration over time and work that self-reflection muscle some more. I want to be really good at knowing what I like and where I stand on issues. I don’t really like having no opinions whatsoever and asking every other person on a decision. I ask others what I should do, because I have no idea what I would like to do. It is frustrating that I don’t know about myself to know which action to take. I have become very indecisive by not knowing myself and what I would like to do.

I often ask google and bloggers and personality quizzes on what I should do with my life. Instead of having someone else define me and what I should do, I should define myself and peer into what I would like to do. Even if it doesn’t make much money, at least I will be doing something that is meaningful to me, and I can work hard at it. If I let others define me I am not me and I will not be doing anything meaningful to me.

Not even money is truly meaningful to me, I feel like it is just a necessity and I often let the amount I have be a defining factor in my personality, which is not good. Having my person-hood tied up in material things is a very bad thing to do in my opinion, and that is sometimes what I do with money.

So I will keep working on who I am so I don’t become more of who I am not. I don’t want to waste my life doing things that I don’t truly want to do.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.

My Spirituality Thoughts for The Day, Prayer and Spirits

I have been thinking about my spiritual side for the past few days. I am not quite sure about everything though. My partner is not really into things, though she not very religious to begin with.

My partner and I don’t have the same value priority of faith and religion. She doesn’t feel much of a calling for it, compared to myself. I feel like I need to pray sometimes or to think about the spiritual side of things.

I have been skeptical for most of my adult life. I haven’t been too religious. I have been more focused on the sciences and non-spiritual side of things. I do find though at times that I get the religious itch.

During the winter I get very spiritual feeling. I don’t know what it is about winters, but it calls me to be more spiritual. I find it strange really. My family even finds there is a pattern to it as well. Winters, strange.

So I have been thinking about what I view in my spiritual side. I have been considering certain paths, such as a certain type of Wicca or another pagan path. I am considering something pagan though. I am not aiming for a Christian path, or anything Abrahamic really. I feel closer to a pagan path. I am more interested in paganism overall.

I think it is the nature aspect, or probably the more likely feeling of going with the flow, or that there is just a natural calling in me for it in some way. I don’t like the arbitrary aspects of Christianity. I was raised Catholic and there wasn’t much that made sense to me in it.

I didn’t like God very much in my life, I kind of hated him when I believed in him. I found him to be a big jerk that purposely made my life miserable, since he was the controller of the universe after all. Why would he make misery in the world with little reason for it, people who didn’t sin are suffering and people who sin often are rich and powerful. It was pretty inconsistent to me.

So with me I find that people that are on top were either lucky or played the system well. I don’t know much spiritual side to it right now. Maybe there is something to it spiritually. Maybe the spirits have chosen people, or that they were able to use the spiritual side of the world to their advantage. Money is mental and people can obsess over it religiously, why not be able to be blessed by the god of fortune and wealth.

I am someone that finds that spirits are organized entities within the mental, or rather spiritual, world. We host them in our spirits and minds, and they either are good or bad for us. They can try to spread to others as well, can mutate over time, or are found in the universe by just looking. This is my idea that I had for some time, I consider it an original idea to myself. I know now that the idea is not new, but it was new to me. The idea is called “memetic theory”, or the theory of memes, internet memes included, but more specifically mental memes.

So that aside I am wondering more about other things. I am not really interested in magic. I don’t really believe in “energy workings” or anything like that. I don’t think that I have much control over the world directly through shear willpower and thought. That is why I don’t believe in the “secret” or affirmation magic. From this I don’t think I will fit in very well into Wicca.

I do think tarot works at times. Though I feel like it is more looking into my spiritual or mental side of things, and deciphering what my next actions or life will take me. I have sometimes looked up my tarot reading, even daily at times.

I have not thought much about the spirits in general. I have focused more on the spiritual side of nature though. I find that there is some kind of spirit to nature, because I feel different being in nature than being inside. I think that my environment has a spiritual aspect to it. A dirty room will change my mood and other factors. Sitting outside and talking walks will change it as well.

I have sometimes tried to talk with spirits and gods. I have felt things doing so. I have felt chills down my spine and inspiration in my mind when I talk with the gods. This is often amplified with pouring out coffee in my creek or onto the grass while I mentally talk and pray, making a sacrifice of some kind. I feel like there is something there, something I never felt with Christianity. I feel like paganism is more my path because of that. It may be a personal experience, but I feel it for me.

I never felt anything talking with the Christian God, I have only felt things talking with ghosts, nature spirits, and gods of forces and virtues. I felt so distant from the Christian God, but so close to the pagan spirits and gods.

I have recorded my moods also when I pray. There is apparently a connection, correlation will you, between me praying and my mood the next day. Now the thing is, if praying to the gods didn’t really make any difference, why would it make my next day be a happy day. Praying make my day better the next day than it does the day I pray even sometimes. I find the connection inspiring. If it made my next day worse, then maybe I was praying wrong or communing with the wrong spirits. If it didn’t make a difference, then there might be nothing to it after all.

No, there is a difference, and it makes my life better in the future, even if it just the next day being better. If that is the case then if I pray every day to the spirits that I connect with, then maybe every day will be better, even if it is just a bit.

So being out in nature makes my mood better, and praying to the spirits makes my mood better. These are interesting findings about myself, I find.

Also, the thought of reincarnation or at least the potential to relive life gives me a bit of hope as well. The thought of the spirits of the dead also linger in this world, the spiritual world, also intrigues me. I have learned in some paths that the soul is made of different parts, that all combine and work together to make you, you, even the material part. So the thought that part of you remains here, part of you relives a new life, and maybe even a part the remains in the afterlife may be possible.

I often ask the gods to allow me to be stronger, to be happier, and to make my mental abilities better. I often find that if I keep it to something less ambitious, the results are more clear in the future. I find that asking for a little bit can make it more possible to achieve. Asking for a miracle that defies the laws of physics is probably much harder to achieve. So I keep it simple, something personal and within my own spirit. I think that changing my own spirit is easier than other wishes.

I found that prayer and contemplation on the spiritual got me through hard times, giving me strength. I found that when I began to weaken in connection, that my life was harder to cope with. I look back at my last full-time job and see this has happened. I was spiritual and had good connection, that got me through the tough times of it. I then weakened and began to not pray or work on my spiritual side and I eventually quit the job, couldn’t cope with the stress and negativity in my mind.

So this topic can be further explored in the future, but today I wanted to think about it with you.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.